Five Keys To Sexual Happiness
By Suzie Johnson
FILED UNDER: All Articles • Love & Intimacy After the Affair
Today, the gloves are off.
We’re going to talk candidly about one of the most significant issues facing all committed couples: sexual happiness. To be sure, much has been written about sexual satisfaction in committed relationships and how it affects loyalty and fidelity. I’m going to take a slightly different approach, because I believe there’s a big difference between “having sex” and “having sexual happiness” in committed relationships.
What’s the difference between having sex and having sexual happiness?
Well, here it is: Any fool can have sex. The procedure is simple. The drive is hardwired. The urge is instinctive. In fact, having sex may just be the most universal activity on this planet.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even single-cell amoeba do it. Obviously, having sex isn’t rocket science. However, having sexual happiness is a completely different story. Here’s why: Sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse. (Gasp!) It’s not mechanical, it’s not automatic, and perhaps most importantly, it’s not even physical. (More on this later.) So if sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse, then where is it?
That’s a great question.
The answer differs for everyone. Why? Because sexual happiness isn’t measured by external yardsticks, but by individual experience. It’s about our levels of satisfaction with the quality of our sexual connection with each other.
In other words:
Sexual happiness goes far beyond mechanics to include the meaning and emotions associated with our experiences. And it’s exactly because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of sexual happiness that human beings are the only animals with the potential to achieve it.
So, what exactly is sexual happiness?
It helps to think of sexual happiness as being a state of mind like love or trust. Although you may not be able to define exactly what it is, you know when it’s present or absent.
So, let me begin by saying what it is NOT:
How We Define Sexual Happiness We define “sexual happiness” as having all the love, sex, and intimacy you want within a relationship that allows you to give and receive the widest range of sexual expression possible for both of you.
Perhaps the most important insight is…
…that sexual happiness is a by product of the relationship. In other words, while it only takes one partner to be sexually satisfied, it takes two to create the conditions for sexual happiness.
A Key Sign of Sexual Happiness
A key sign of sexual happiness in a relationship is a couple’s ability (willingness) to endlessly renew the sex energy between them. Therefore, the term “sexual happiness” describes couples who are able to rekindle, renew, and expand their sexual enjoyment with each other… all the way to forever.
Since sexual happiness is a byproduct of the relationship and not of the individual, how exactly can a couple go about creating the conditions by which sexual happiness occurs? That’s a great question. I think the answer can be found by observing the five keys to sexual happiness.
The 5 Keys To Sexual Happiness (Excerpted from The Five Keys to Sexual Happiness by Suzie Johnson)
Trust Is The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.Sexual intimacy without trust is impossible. This is because the true meaning of the word “intimacy” is “IN-TO-ME-SEE.” It’s the willingness to allow your inner world to be seen, known, and loved by another. Therefore, there’s no intimacy without trust, and no trust without transparency.
Bring More Than Your Body To The Bedroom.Passion isn’t found in sex; passion is found in people. To fully embrace sexual passion, you must be fully present IN the moment. In other words, you must bring your mind, body, and soul to the lovemaking experience. This means being conscious, aware, and awake — mentally and emotionally — in the bedroom.
Cherish Freedom; Banish Inhibitions. Everything, including sex, begins with thought. The mind that is blocked by inhibiting beliefs cannot fully embrace sexual happiness, freedom, and joy. Therefore, it’s important to banish and discard sexual inhibitions from your mind. This requires trust and courage, but the rewards are priceless.
Practice Rituals Of Pleasure, Not Routines.Routines are the enemy of romance, and predictability cools the fires of passion. To counteract these twin forces, you must consciously design and embrace rituals of pleasure. Rituals of pleasure are specific thoughts, actions, and activities that massage, animate, and stimulate your sensual and emotional pleasure centers.
The #1 Secret To Better Sex Is Better Foreplay.It’s never the sex that gets boring. It’s always the foreplay.
And while there’s nothing new to learn in sex, there’s always newness to discover with foreplay. Therefore, one of the biggest secrets to increasing sexual happiness is found in exploring variety and newness in your foreplay. One of the best ways to do this? Read my article: Intro to Tantra American Style.
Bad News/Good News
The good news is that all couples have the ability to create conditions for sexual happiness. The bad news is that not all couples are willing to do what it takes to create it.
The reason?
There are probably as many reasons for NOT creating sexual happiness as there are for creating it. However, for those couples who want to enjoy a lifetime of sexual happiness, there are certain obstacles that must first be removed. What are the obstacles?
The 5 Biggest Obstacles To Sexual Happiness
(And How To Overcome Them)
Obstacle #1: Underestimating The Power Of Newness All monogamous couples must walk a fine line between meeting the desire for “newness,” and the desire for “sameness.”This is because the human brain is hardwired to seek two opposite kinds of experiences: new experiences and familiar ones. The bad news is that the urge to experience newness is as strong as the urge to stay in our comfort zones. This means we’re programmed to want certainty AND uncertainty in our love life.
Here’s the kicker:
No one wants to do without either one. Everybody wants both. Our sexual desire (sex energy) is kindled by both types of experiences. We’re both turned on by intimate, romantic, comfortable, and safe experiences AND by novel, adventurous, different, and new experiences.
Therefore…
…it’s a serious mistake to underestimate the power of newness to spike the sex appetites. Couples who rely exclusively on familiarity, control, or comfort to do the job leave the back door open for temptation to sneak in. This is why most extramarital affairs are the result of a person seeking new experiences, and not necessarily new partners.
Here’s my suggestion to overcome this obstacle:
DO THIS!
Couples who enjoy sexual happiness are those who successfully meet the need for romance and adventure, newness and sameness, and comfort and discovery… ALL in one relationship. Those who are unsuccessful end up meeting with frustration, boredom, and eventually, a passionless marriage.
Obstacle #2: Failing (Refusing) To Grow Up Sexually Here’s the thing: Biological aging is not the same as emotional maturity. One is automatic, while the other requires effort. Of all the places human beings refuse to grow up, sexuality is one of them. This is why sexual style, techniques, and approaches can remain juvenile well into the 50s, 60s, and even 70s.
Some Signs of Sexual Immaturity
When you’re still thinking, acting, and making love like you did as a teenager… if you’re still “chasing skirt” or giving away power in the bedroom… if sex is still the Holy Grail of your life… if the list of things you WON’T do in the bedroom is a lot longer than the list of things you will do… then chances are, you’ve failed to grow up sexually.
Here are my suggestions to help you jump-start your journey to sexual maturity:
DO THIS!
Sadly, this is simply not true.
Just as nobody expects a TV doctor and a real doctor to be the same, no one should expect that what works in porn, romance novels, Hollywood movies, or any other virtual or fantasy world would work the same as in the real world. In other words… the real world and mind-created worlds operate on two completely different sets of rules.
DO THIS!
While many people will readily agree that sex is important in a marriage or committed relationship, I’m not sure how many get that sex really matters. Here’s what I mean: Sex, like food and shelter, is a need that is pre-wired in our nervous systems. This is why so many human sexual impulses and desires are outside our conscious awareness and control.
This puts sex into another category altogether.
People get into trouble when they downgrade or downplay the fact that sex matters. This type of denial often comes with a terrible price tag, because while quality and quantity of sexual desire might vary from person to person, what never varies is the human desire to seek and find sexual satisfaction and expression in some way.
DO THIS!
Obstacle #5: The Fear Of Intimacy If all the obstacles before were hills, this one would be Mount Everest. Of all the obstacles to sexual happiness, this one is by far the most insidious and pervasive. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say FEAR OF INTIMACY is a real enemy of any relationship. The sad news is that most people aren’t even aware of the crippling effects of this fear.
Why is this?
Think of it this way: Remember the fairytale of the princess and the pea? How the princess couldn’t sleep because there was a pea buried under her 100 mattresses?
Well, the fear of intimacy is like that pea.
It’s often buried under a hundred other things like boredom, loss of desire, drama, conflict, and confusion. This is why when I lead a couples’ retreat, one of my key missions is to teach couples how to navigate through and around this fear.
NOTICE: I am using the term “navigate.”
This is because the fear of intimacy, in my opinion, is largely made up of our fears of the unknown, which is of course the ultimate fear. To help couples overcome this obstacle, I’ve found that it helps for them to think of themselves as sailors on a journey to a new world,
so they become more willing to embrace the qualities of courage and curiosity that help them go beyond limits.
So, there you have it.
The Reader’s Digest version of what it takes to create the conditions for sexual happiness that lasts a lifetime between two people. While I do believe these ideas are a good starting place for any couple, they are by no means comprehensive.
Why?
Because human sexual potential is far bigger than any one person can describe, and the variety of sexual expression possible for us is infinitely more than any of us can imagine.
And that (in my opinion) is what makes sex so fascinating.
While we all start with the basic elements, when we combine those elements with individual tastes, preferences, and expressions, collectively, we can create billions of moments of enjoyment. And in the end, isn’t that what sex is really all about?
Enjoyment.
Think about that… With the gift of sex, we humans have been given the capacity for unlimited expression and infinite variation, as well as the potential for deep intimacy. No wonder it’s been called the greatest wonder in the universe!
Until we speak again...
Remember... Love Wins!
Some Myths Regarding Female Orgasms
There are several myths regarding orgasm. These myths can sometimes cause problems for women and their partners.
Myth:
If a woman cannot reach orgasm, then her partner is not a skillful lover.
Fact:
While there are many ways a loving partner can help a woman reach orgasm, in the end, a woman is responsible for her own sexual pleasure. That does not mean her partner should not be involved. Communication between partners is very important. It is up to the woman to inform her partner her likes and dislikes in their love making.
Myth:
A woman has to have an orgasm in order to enjoy sex. This myth seems to be more common among men than among women.
Fact:
Many women enjoy the closeness and physical intimacy of sex and are satisfied even if they do not, or do not always, have an orgasm.
What can you do?
RelaxIt is possible to try too hard. Focus on enjoying the process, not on whether or not you will have an orgasm.
CommunicateCommunicate with your partner your preferences when it comes to sex. Your partner cannot read your mind.
EncourageIf you or your partner are doing something pleasurable, encourage your mate to continue.
Enjoy Learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with your sexuality. Your current inability to have an orgasm is not a reflection of your femininity, your psychological or emotional health. Putting yourself down just makes it that much more difficult
By Suzie Johnson
FILED UNDER: All Articles • Love & Intimacy After the Affair
Today, the gloves are off.
We’re going to talk candidly about one of the most significant issues facing all committed couples: sexual happiness. To be sure, much has been written about sexual satisfaction in committed relationships and how it affects loyalty and fidelity. I’m going to take a slightly different approach, because I believe there’s a big difference between “having sex” and “having sexual happiness” in committed relationships.
What’s the difference between having sex and having sexual happiness?
Well, here it is: Any fool can have sex. The procedure is simple. The drive is hardwired. The urge is instinctive. In fact, having sex may just be the most universal activity on this planet.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even single-cell amoeba do it. Obviously, having sex isn’t rocket science. However, having sexual happiness is a completely different story. Here’s why: Sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse. (Gasp!) It’s not mechanical, it’s not automatic, and perhaps most importantly, it’s not even physical. (More on this later.) So if sexual happiness isn’t found in sexual intercourse, then where is it?
That’s a great question.
The answer differs for everyone. Why? Because sexual happiness isn’t measured by external yardsticks, but by individual experience. It’s about our levels of satisfaction with the quality of our sexual connection with each other.
In other words:
Sexual happiness goes far beyond mechanics to include the meaning and emotions associated with our experiences. And it’s exactly because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of sexual happiness that human beings are the only animals with the potential to achieve it.
So, what exactly is sexual happiness?
It helps to think of sexual happiness as being a state of mind like love or trust. Although you may not be able to define exactly what it is, you know when it’s present or absent.
So, let me begin by saying what it is NOT:
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in sex; it’s created in relationships.
- Sexual happiness includes sex, but isn’t limited to sexual activities.
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in satisfying physical urges; it emerges from satisfying relationships.
- Sexual happiness isn’t mechanical; it’s an emotional experience.
- Sexual happiness isn’t about sharing bodies; it’s about two people sharing themselves.
- Sexual happiness isn’t superficial; it’s a deeply intimate exchange.
- Sexual happiness isn’t built on techniques; it’s built on trust.
- Sexual happiness isn’t found in variety; it’s found in creativity.
- Sexual happiness isn’t the result of lust; it’s the result of emotional intimacy.
How We Define Sexual Happiness We define “sexual happiness” as having all the love, sex, and intimacy you want within a relationship that allows you to give and receive the widest range of sexual expression possible for both of you.
Perhaps the most important insight is…
…that sexual happiness is a by product of the relationship. In other words, while it only takes one partner to be sexually satisfied, it takes two to create the conditions for sexual happiness.
A Key Sign of Sexual Happiness
A key sign of sexual happiness in a relationship is a couple’s ability (willingness) to endlessly renew the sex energy between them. Therefore, the term “sexual happiness” describes couples who are able to rekindle, renew, and expand their sexual enjoyment with each other… all the way to forever.
Since sexual happiness is a byproduct of the relationship and not of the individual, how exactly can a couple go about creating the conditions by which sexual happiness occurs? That’s a great question. I think the answer can be found by observing the five keys to sexual happiness.
The 5 Keys To Sexual Happiness (Excerpted from The Five Keys to Sexual Happiness by Suzie Johnson)
Trust Is The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.Sexual intimacy without trust is impossible. This is because the true meaning of the word “intimacy” is “IN-TO-ME-SEE.” It’s the willingness to allow your inner world to be seen, known, and loved by another. Therefore, there’s no intimacy without trust, and no trust without transparency.
Bring More Than Your Body To The Bedroom.Passion isn’t found in sex; passion is found in people. To fully embrace sexual passion, you must be fully present IN the moment. In other words, you must bring your mind, body, and soul to the lovemaking experience. This means being conscious, aware, and awake — mentally and emotionally — in the bedroom.
Cherish Freedom; Banish Inhibitions. Everything, including sex, begins with thought. The mind that is blocked by inhibiting beliefs cannot fully embrace sexual happiness, freedom, and joy. Therefore, it’s important to banish and discard sexual inhibitions from your mind. This requires trust and courage, but the rewards are priceless.
Practice Rituals Of Pleasure, Not Routines.Routines are the enemy of romance, and predictability cools the fires of passion. To counteract these twin forces, you must consciously design and embrace rituals of pleasure. Rituals of pleasure are specific thoughts, actions, and activities that massage, animate, and stimulate your sensual and emotional pleasure centers.
The #1 Secret To Better Sex Is Better Foreplay.It’s never the sex that gets boring. It’s always the foreplay.
And while there’s nothing new to learn in sex, there’s always newness to discover with foreplay. Therefore, one of the biggest secrets to increasing sexual happiness is found in exploring variety and newness in your foreplay. One of the best ways to do this? Read my article: Intro to Tantra American Style.
Bad News/Good News
The good news is that all couples have the ability to create conditions for sexual happiness. The bad news is that not all couples are willing to do what it takes to create it.
The reason?
There are probably as many reasons for NOT creating sexual happiness as there are for creating it. However, for those couples who want to enjoy a lifetime of sexual happiness, there are certain obstacles that must first be removed. What are the obstacles?
The 5 Biggest Obstacles To Sexual Happiness
(And How To Overcome Them)
Obstacle #1: Underestimating The Power Of Newness All monogamous couples must walk a fine line between meeting the desire for “newness,” and the desire for “sameness.”This is because the human brain is hardwired to seek two opposite kinds of experiences: new experiences and familiar ones. The bad news is that the urge to experience newness is as strong as the urge to stay in our comfort zones. This means we’re programmed to want certainty AND uncertainty in our love life.
Here’s the kicker:
No one wants to do without either one. Everybody wants both. Our sexual desire (sex energy) is kindled by both types of experiences. We’re both turned on by intimate, romantic, comfortable, and safe experiences AND by novel, adventurous, different, and new experiences.
Therefore…
…it’s a serious mistake to underestimate the power of newness to spike the sex appetites. Couples who rely exclusively on familiarity, control, or comfort to do the job leave the back door open for temptation to sneak in. This is why most extramarital affairs are the result of a person seeking new experiences, and not necessarily new partners.
Here’s my suggestion to overcome this obstacle:
DO THIS!
- Make room for newness in your relationship and in your bedroom.
- Learn to welcome shared new adventures as well as familiar pleasures in your intimacy activities.
- Make it a point to constantly balance between certainty and mystery, newness and sameness, predictability and surprise, and adventure and romance — inside and outside the bedroom.
Couples who enjoy sexual happiness are those who successfully meet the need for romance and adventure, newness and sameness, and comfort and discovery… ALL in one relationship. Those who are unsuccessful end up meeting with frustration, boredom, and eventually, a passionless marriage.
Obstacle #2: Failing (Refusing) To Grow Up Sexually Here’s the thing: Biological aging is not the same as emotional maturity. One is automatic, while the other requires effort. Of all the places human beings refuse to grow up, sexuality is one of them. This is why sexual style, techniques, and approaches can remain juvenile well into the 50s, 60s, and even 70s.
Some Signs of Sexual Immaturity
When you’re still thinking, acting, and making love like you did as a teenager… if you’re still “chasing skirt” or giving away power in the bedroom… if sex is still the Holy Grail of your life… if the list of things you WON’T do in the bedroom is a lot longer than the list of things you will do… then chances are, you’ve failed to grow up sexually.
Here are my suggestions to help you jump-start your journey to sexual maturity:
DO THIS!
- Remember that sex is the most natural act in the universe and its most common activity. You didn’t invent it, and therefore, you don’t have to fight, chase, or run from it.
- Have the courage to welcome and embrace your sexuality as a part of your life… (not ALL of your life). Be willing to bring home this aspect of yourself, rather than keeping it in exile. As you do this, the reward for doing it is harmony.
Sadly, this is simply not true.
Just as nobody expects a TV doctor and a real doctor to be the same, no one should expect that what works in porn, romance novels, Hollywood movies, or any other virtual or fantasy world would work the same as in the real world. In other words… the real world and mind-created worlds operate on two completely different sets of rules.
DO THIS!
- Recognize experience as the real teacher. Only reality can teach you what works in the bedroom.
- Notice which actions trigger positive emotions and which trigger negative ones.
- Pay attention to both your own and your partner’s play signals and pleasure cues.
- Do ONLY what works, not what’s supposed to work or what works for others.
While many people will readily agree that sex is important in a marriage or committed relationship, I’m not sure how many get that sex really matters. Here’s what I mean: Sex, like food and shelter, is a need that is pre-wired in our nervous systems. This is why so many human sexual impulses and desires are outside our conscious awareness and control.
This puts sex into another category altogether.
People get into trouble when they downgrade or downplay the fact that sex matters. This type of denial often comes with a terrible price tag, because while quality and quantity of sexual desire might vary from person to person, what never varies is the human desire to seek and find sexual satisfaction and expression in some way.
DO THIS!
- Take responsibility for meeting your need for sexual expression in a responsible way. Make it your mission to stay aware that sex matters (for both of you).
- Embrace difference. While everyone needs to express their sexuality, not everyone expresses sexuality in the same way. Like there are varieties in people’s food and cooking styles, so there are varieties of expression for sex and sexual energy. If it’s not harming anyone, it’s important to tolerate, not condemn.
- Know that sex energy and self-expression are attached like Siamese twins. A lot of art, beauty, and sensuality are often the result of channeled sex energy. So, the bedroom is only one of many places, and intercourse is only ONE of many ways to express sex energy. (There are many other ways).
Obstacle #5: The Fear Of Intimacy If all the obstacles before were hills, this one would be Mount Everest. Of all the obstacles to sexual happiness, this one is by far the most insidious and pervasive. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say FEAR OF INTIMACY is a real enemy of any relationship. The sad news is that most people aren’t even aware of the crippling effects of this fear.
Why is this?
Think of it this way: Remember the fairytale of the princess and the pea? How the princess couldn’t sleep because there was a pea buried under her 100 mattresses?
Well, the fear of intimacy is like that pea.
It’s often buried under a hundred other things like boredom, loss of desire, drama, conflict, and confusion. This is why when I lead a couples’ retreat, one of my key missions is to teach couples how to navigate through and around this fear.
NOTICE: I am using the term “navigate.”
This is because the fear of intimacy, in my opinion, is largely made up of our fears of the unknown, which is of course the ultimate fear. To help couples overcome this obstacle, I’ve found that it helps for them to think of themselves as sailors on a journey to a new world,
so they become more willing to embrace the qualities of courage and curiosity that help them go beyond limits.
So, there you have it.
The Reader’s Digest version of what it takes to create the conditions for sexual happiness that lasts a lifetime between two people. While I do believe these ideas are a good starting place for any couple, they are by no means comprehensive.
Why?
Because human sexual potential is far bigger than any one person can describe, and the variety of sexual expression possible for us is infinitely more than any of us can imagine.
And that (in my opinion) is what makes sex so fascinating.
While we all start with the basic elements, when we combine those elements with individual tastes, preferences, and expressions, collectively, we can create billions of moments of enjoyment. And in the end, isn’t that what sex is really all about?
Enjoyment.
Think about that… With the gift of sex, we humans have been given the capacity for unlimited expression and infinite variation, as well as the potential for deep intimacy. No wonder it’s been called the greatest wonder in the universe!
Until we speak again...
Remember... Love Wins!
Some Myths Regarding Female Orgasms
There are several myths regarding orgasm. These myths can sometimes cause problems for women and their partners.
Myth:
If a woman cannot reach orgasm, then her partner is not a skillful lover.
Fact:
While there are many ways a loving partner can help a woman reach orgasm, in the end, a woman is responsible for her own sexual pleasure. That does not mean her partner should not be involved. Communication between partners is very important. It is up to the woman to inform her partner her likes and dislikes in their love making.
Myth:
A woman has to have an orgasm in order to enjoy sex. This myth seems to be more common among men than among women.
Fact:
Many women enjoy the closeness and physical intimacy of sex and are satisfied even if they do not, or do not always, have an orgasm.
What can you do?
RelaxIt is possible to try too hard. Focus on enjoying the process, not on whether or not you will have an orgasm.
CommunicateCommunicate with your partner your preferences when it comes to sex. Your partner cannot read your mind.
EncourageIf you or your partner are doing something pleasurable, encourage your mate to continue.
Enjoy Learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with your sexuality. Your current inability to have an orgasm is not a reflection of your femininity, your psychological or emotional health. Putting yourself down just makes it that much more difficult
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