Physical intimacy From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
For general human touching behavior, see Haptic communication. For the sense of touch, see Somatosensory system.
Physical intimacy is sensual proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings (including close friendship, love, or sexual attraction), between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity.
It is possible to be physically intimate with someone without actually touching them; however, a certain proximity is necessary. For instance, a sustained eye contact is considered a form of physical intimacy, analogous to touching. When a person enters someone else's personal space for the purpose of being intimate, it is physical intimacy, regardless of the lack of actual physical contact.
Most people desire occasional physical intimacy, which is a natural part of human sexuality, and research has shown it has health benefits. A hug or touch can result in the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, and in a reduction in stress hormones.
Contents
Personal space
Women sharing physical intimacy
Most people value their personal space and feel discomfort, anger, or anxiety when their personal space is encroached on.[3] Entering somebody's personal space is normally an indication of familiarity and intimacy. However, in modern society, especially in crowded urban communities, it is at times difficult to maintain personal space, for example, in a crowded train, elevator or street. Many people find such physical proximity to be psychologically disturbing and uncomfortable,[3] though it is accepted as a fact of modern life. In an impersonal crowded situation, eye contact tends to be avoided. Even in a crowded place, preserving personal space is important, and intimate and sexual contact, such as frotteurism and groping, are normally unacceptable physical contact.
On the other hand, most people occasionally desire physical proximity to others, and will at times welcome a familiar and trusted person into their personal space. When a partner or friend is not available at such a time, some people satisfy this need anonymously in a crowded venue, such as a bar, disco, pop concert, street festival, etc.
Display of affection
"The Proposal" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau.
People who are on a familiar basis may like to enter into each other's personal space, such as to make physical contact. These can be indicators of affection. The manner in which people display affection is generally different in a public context to a private one. Depending on the nature of the relationship between the people, a public display of affection is generally very constrained by social norms and can range from a gesture such as a kiss orhug in greeting, to an embrace or holding hands. Maintaining eye contact can be regarded socially and psychologically as analogous to touching.
In private, people in an intimate relationship or who are familiar with each other are more at ease with physical intimacy and display of affection, which can involve:
An interpersonal relationship that does not involve sexual activity, such as friendship, may involve display of affection. Friends may avoid physical intimacy to avoid emotions commonly associated with sexuality or emotional intimacy. The definition of "sexual" physical intimacy varies greatly.
Skinship
The term "skinship" (スキンシップ sukinshippu?) originated as a pseudo-English Japanese word (a wasei-eigo), which was coined to describe the intimacy, or closeness, between a mother and a child. Today, the word is generally used for bonding through physical contact, such as holding hands, hugging, or parents washing their child at a bath. The earliest citation of this word appears in Nihon Kokugo Daijiten in 1971.
According to Scott Clark, author of a study of Japanese bathing culture, the word is a portmanteau combining "skin" with the last syllable of "friendship". The similarity with the English word 'kinship' suggests a further explanation.
Use of the word "skinship" in English publications seems to focus on the notion of sharing a bath naked, an idea known in Japanese as "naked association" (裸の付き合い hadaka no tsukiai?). It is not clear why the meaning shifted to the parent–child relationship when borrowed back into English.
The term has also been adopted in South Korea as 스킨십 (seukinship). In South Korea, non-sexual physical contact between members of the same sex is normal, and is often encouraged. Seukinship largely refers to the act on bonding through intimate, non-sexual contact between platonic friends that includes, but is not limited to, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing on the cheeks, and, sometimes, even bathing together.
See also
Intimacy
Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship. It is usually characterized by love and attachment. These feelings may or may not be connected or confused with sexual feelings. In other relationships, intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.
This is not an exact definition but it seems that intimacy and healthy relationships go hand in hand. Indeed, intimacy is basic in any meaningful relationship: the basis of friendship and one of the foundations of love.
The main forms of intimacy are emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Intellectual intimacy, familiarity with a person's culture and interests, is common among friends. Members of religious or philosophic groups may also perceive a "spiritual intimacy" in common.
Intimate partners:Terms for partners in various degrees of love include
Related pages
Types of interpersonal relationships
How to reconnect, strengthen your relationship, improve communication, intimacy, and more.
All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes, even the best ones. To that end, we've compiled a list of 101 ways to reconnect with your significant other right this moment. These actions will make your partner feel loved, appreciated and desired and will, in turn, make you feel more connected to him/her. Whether you'd like to increase intimacy, find a thoughtful way to say "I love you," or just show your honey some gratitude, we're sure you'll find something useful in the list below.
And since the world (and our site!) is full of loving, creative souls, we hope you'll share with us in the comments section below the special ways you share love and strengthen your bond with your significant other. Read the whole list, or skip to your favorite category from the list below.
CREATE INTIMACY
1. Lie down on the bed ... and spend two minutes looking into each other's eyes without saying anything. (Blinking is OK.)
2. Next time you're in bed pull the covers over your head and have a whispered conversation. If you whisper first he'll probably whisper back—it's incredibly intimate.
3. Listen to each other. Think you already do that? Try active listening. Ask your partner to talk about something and after each sentence (or paragraph) repeat what you heard. Start with, "I heard..." You don't have to repeat back the words verbatim, just say what you think she said. If you misinterpret or leave out anything, your partner will correct you. Take turns doing this. It's great for intense discussions, arguments, or just a weekly ritual to improve communication.
4. Pray together. If you're comfortable talking about it, discuss what you pray about.
5. Do the wonder intimacy exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Free associate and list sentences starting with "I wonder" on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I'll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I'll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens.
6. Do the nostalgic memory exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Pick a shared memory from "the honeymoon period" of your relationship. Discuss the memory and take turns talking about a) sensory memories (sights, sounds, smells) b) what you were thinking and c) what you were feeling.
7. Set time aside every day for mutual silence.
8. Give each other pet names. Sure, you can call each other baby, boo, or schmoopy but coming up with a nickname only you two get is cute and provides a little laugh. Studies have shown that nicknames are a sign of a strong relationship. Others might not think "Bomboushay Yaya" is endearing but if it means something to you then that's all that matters.
SPEAK
9. Say something positive — anything at all. Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment.
10. Think of one quirky thing she does that you love and tell her about it.
11. Ask him what he was like when he was a little kid.
12. Tell him he looks sexy in that shirt (pants, shorts, insert the appropriate item of clothing).
13. Compliment something that he's improved upon.
14. Tell him he makes you a better person. And then tell him how.
15. If you're feeling anxious about something, ask your partner to be your stress absorber. Ask him to listen as you explain what you're worrying about. The catch is that he doesn't have to say anything — no reassurances or offers of assistance. He just has to pay attention to what you're saying and offer you a hug or hold your hand. As you're talking, imagine your stress dissipating as the words leave your mouth.
16. The next time she does something that makes you angry ... before you say something about it stop and ask yourself, "What am I really mad about?" Little things can often be masks for deeper issues. If you decide it's a larger issue, hold your tongue and bring it up when you're not mad.
17. Accept her apology. If you've been fighting and she makes an attempt to reconcile, don't rebuff her.
18. If she holds a notable position in her field ... (or even if not) remind her of how awesome she is at her job and how it intensifies your amazement of her.
BE VULNERABLE
19. Apologize for something you never apologized for ... even though you knew it was your fault.
20. Tell her a sexual fantasy you've always felt embarrassed about.
21. If there's a secret you've been wanting to share with him ... write a list of five reasons you're afraid to say it, five ways you could phrase it, and five possible reactions he could have. Then pick one phrase and do it.
22. Think about something your partner does that makes you feel bad, but you haven't told him about. (If this doesn't exist for you, great! Skip this one.) Decide what you'd like him to do instead and tell him about it like this: Next time you're feeling relaxed and loving, say, "I want to tell you something. Sometimes I feel <insert feeling here> when you <whatever it is that makes you feel bad.> Could you do <what he could do instead> instead?"
23. Think about a time when something went wrong between the two of you: a fight, a disappointment, a miscommunication. Ask yourself: What could I have done differently? What could we have done differently? What can we learn from this? Then talk to your partner about it, starting with what you could have done differently.
EAT
24. Make a special treat. Even if you're on a diet, there's always room for a little snack once a week. Maybe it's a food from her childhood (like the s'mores her dad used to make when they went camping) or something that reminds him of your first date (spicy homemade guacamole? No problem!). A little treat that you've either made or just remembered to pick up will show you're thinking about the two of you.
25. Cook a meal together. Divide up the tasks so you can both be in the kitchen working at the same time.
26. Make breakfast for him. It's more unexpected than lunch or dinner.
27. Next time you're at the corner store...pick up his favorite candy or gum.
28. Pack her a lunch to take to work. Bonus: put it in a paper bag with a note. Double bonus: include a small piece of chocolate.
29. Think of a piece of food that he likes but is difficult to find and order it online.
30. Use a toothpick to write "I love you" on the outside of an unpeeled banana. It'll turn dark in a few hours and he'll be able to see it.
GET SEXY
31. The next time you hug him, reach around and squeeze his butt. It's the little things that keep it hot.
32. Browse an online sex toy store together and talk about what items you'd like to try.If you want, order one.
33. Bathe together periodically.
34. Put one of his fingers in your mouth and lightly suck on it. It's chaste and incredibly sexual at the same time.
35. Write erotic fiction for each other. Pick something you've done together and recreate it in words, or pick a steamy fantasy and write down exactly how you want it to happen—even if in reality, it's impossible.
36. Dedicate one day exclusively to sex. Turn off your phones, don't check your email and stay in bed all day. Rent a hotel room for a day if this will help you get away from life and only think about each other's bodies.
37. Take turns being dominant in bed. Tell him or her that you want to experiment. Tonight you call all the shots, tomorrow he does. Try a blindfold, tying his or her hands with a tie or scarf, or spanking.
38. Masturbate together without touching each other.
USE FAMILY AND FRIENDS
39. Next time a member of her family calls and you answer the phone, stay on the line a chat a minute before handing off the phone. She'll be touched that you want to speak to her relatives.
40. Invite his best friend to dinner and stay for a drink ... then cut out to give the two some time together.
41. Take out his yearbook. Ask about the people in it and what they meant to him.
42. Borrow a friend's dog and take it for a walk together. Dogs bring out people's good sides.
43. Read a book to your child together, switching off pages.
44. Bring him a glass of wine (or water) when he's helping your child with her homework.
45. When you hear the baby crying in the middle of the night, be the first one to get up.
46. Write her mom a note, and praise her on how well she raised her daughter.
DAILY LIFE
47. Do her chores. Take out the garbage or do the dishes, even if it's not your turn or your job.
48. Cover him with a blanket. If you're up in the middle of the night or have to leave early in the morning and you see your partner has tossed the comforter off, take a minute and tuck him in.
49. Set out her coffee cup next to the coffee pot with milk and sugar in the morning ... so all she has to do is pour and get out the door.
50. Next time you wake up before him... turn off the alarm clock and rouse him by kissing his forehead.
51. Repair something of hers that she hasn't gotten around to fixing: an old watch battery or a broken bracelet clasp.
52. Pick up her dry cleaning.
53. Next time you know she hasn't gotten enough sleep and she's going to work tired, tell her she looks great. (Whatever you do, don't tell her she looks tired.)
54. When she tells you something about her schedule, put it on your calendar so you can remember to ask about it: a big meeting at work, a doctor's appointment, a lunch with an old friend.
SURPRISES
55. Leave an open bottle of wine and an empty glass in the kitchen for your spouse after a long, hard day. Hopefully you'll be able to join for a glass, but even if you're working late or taking the kids to soccer practice, it's a sign of how much you appreciate him/her.
56. Keep gifts for him hidden in the house so you'll have a surprise for him if he's had a bad day.
57. Get him a subscription to a magazine he likes.
58. Buy a pack of his brand of clean underwear. Next time he needs to do laundry but doesn't have time, give it to him.
59. Pre-order a book from Amazon from an author you know she loves so it'll arrive right after it's published.
60. Just once, upgrade to a small luxury item you know she likes but doesn't usually indulge in: super soft toilet paper, organic arugula, a fancy bottle of wine.
61. Start planning her next gift right now. Figure out the date of the next big holiday — a birthday, anniversary or religious celebration — and think about what she might want. Pay attention to things she says she wants and write them down. Thinking about giving will extend the joy we get from being generous.
62. Scrawl a heart and your initials in the steam on the bathroom mirror. He'll see it if he comes in right away, or next time the mirror fogs up.
63. Write love notes and put them places you know you're partner will find them: in his coat pocket, in her jewelry box, in the silverware drawer, on the laptop keyboard.
64. Send flowers to her office. It doesn't have to be a fancy bouquet, anything fresh-cut will look pretty on her desk and remind her of you.
USE TECHNOLOGY
65. Ask him to send a baby picture of himself or another picture without you in it and make it your computer wallpaper. ("That shot of you and your Grandpa Rex after you caught that big salmon? Superhot.")
66. Change the background of her phone to a picture of the two of you.
67. Make a playlist of all the songs that remind you of your relationship and put it on his iPod or iPhone.
68. Copy and paste the lyrics from a love song into an email and send it to her.
69. Send him a link to a song on YouTube that makes you think of him.
70. Think about something you've both wanted to do together ... (travel to Costa Rica, learn French, build a fence, etc.) and find a TV show you can tape or a website that shows you how to do it. Plan a date night around watching it together.
71. Email her an old photo of the two of you on vacation or your wedding day.
72. Set the DVR to record a show she's been talking about but hasn't yet recorded. Or look for a show you know she'll like and tape it for her.
73. Clean his computer keyboard and monitor.
74. In the middle of the day, send a text message that says "Thinking of you."
75. Start a couples blog.
TOUCH
76. Use your body (hands, eyes, mouth, arms, legs etc.) to show him you're paying attention and listening when he talks to you.
77. Wrap your arms around his middle and squeeze as hard as you can. (If you're stronger than him give him a little warning.)
78. Massage a part of her body that you wouldn't usually pay attention to: her forearm, her calf, her butt. (OK, maybe you do pay attention to that part, but you probably don't massage it.)
79. Make a touching date. One night after dinner (or a weekend afternoon — some time when you're relaxed), go to bed and take off your clothes, but leave on your underwear. Make a list of ways to touch (tickle, scratch, massage with fingertips, massage with whole hand, kiss with lips, kiss with eyelashes, squeeze). Then take turns: one person chooses a body part, one person chooses an action, and you switch off touching each other. The key is to avoid having sex or touching the skin beneath the underwear. Is a list too much for you? Skip it and take turns massaging each other; just make sure to avoid having sex!
80. Sneak up behind him for a quick shoulder massage.
81. Stage an impromptu wrestling match.
SWITCH IT UP
82. Pretend to be strangers and pick each other up at a bar.
83. Next time you're out to dinner, offer to treat, as opposed to splitting it or paying from your joint account.
84. Change your alcohol habits for one night. Do you usually drink a lot together? Try abstaining for one night, and see what happens? Don't drink much? Try splitting a bottle of wine between just the two of you and see where it leads.
85. Clean the house together. Naked.
86. Set up a bank account where each of you puts $50 a month to go towards something that can be mutually enjoyed.
87. Instead of watching TV, read a story out loud to each other.
88. Have a "no-technology" day or hour or evening.
89. When he's tired from a long day of work, offer to watch a movie he loves but one that you wouldn't normally watch with him.
90. Don't react when he says something annoying.
91. Reverse your spooning (or other snuggling position) for a night.
92. Next time you're going somewhere in the neighborhood together, walk instead of driving. The stroll will give you time to chat.
PLAY
93. Put on music you both like and dance in your living room.
94. Play a card game. Gin rummy is a great one for two people.
95. Take some grapes (or raisins or chocolate chips) and try to throw them in each other's mouths. It's silly and a little messy but will make you giggle together.
96. Teach him a card game he's never played.
97. Talk in an accent together all night.
98. Play movie-oke.
99. Exercise together. Play tennis, go hiking, go for a jog.
100. Go sledding. Or skinny-dipping.
101. Make up a game and play it together with your kids.
Couples & Romantic Love: 9 Ways to Build Intimacy in Relationships
February 12, 2014 by Dr. Christina Hibbert 1 Comment
Romantic love: We have to work at it. It doesn’t just happen on its own. Well, it does at first. But if we sit by and do nothing, over time, the fire will die. Sad, but true.
Many people think romantic love is all about fireworks and passion and excitement. While these are wonderful, the true key to romantic love is intimacy. Some definitions of intimacy include: “a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship;” “a close association with or deep understanding of;” “closeness.” Intimacy isn’t just physical connection. It’s about truly knowing and understanding someone; it’s about feeling close.
Couples & Romantic Love: Intimacy is the answer
Intimacy is something all couples need to build, if you want a relationship that lasts. You may be still in the flames of hot romance, in which case your relationship is almost certainly new. If so, you need to continue to get to know each other; you need to build intimacy. Or, your relationship might feel like it’s flaming out after a long haul–say, after fifteen years of marriage. In this case, it’s building intimacy that will get the physical fires going again. Even if you’re on the brink of a relationship meltdown, intimacy is the answer. You need to work on this relationship, to give it your all. That requires a commitment to building intimacy; it’s the only way to prevent a crash and burn.
I’ve been married now for 18 1/2 years, and I know how romantic love can fluctuate between hot and cold. I know that sometimes things feel simple and easy, while other times, it feels like the romance is gone completely. But I also know, in most cases, with work and dedication, the romance never has to fade. I’ve been working on my next book, about self-esteem after a breakup, and let me tell you—the grass is almost never greener. It isn’t easier to let the flames die completely, to “fall out of love,” to do nothing and let your relationship end. It’s much better to work hard now, to value and keep what you already have, to rediscover the love you once knew, and to improve the relationship you’re so fortunate to already have.
Work on your Relationship; Build Intimacy
Whatever your relationship situation, it’s important to work on things–always. Think of it like a job or a talent. If you don’t practice and give it time and effort, it’s not going to get better. You must commit to making your relationship stronger, and if you do, you will feel the benefits.
I’m talking about more than just a regular date-night. Though that can certainly help, I’ve seen plenty of couples who go out to dinner and a movie every Friday but never talk, or they only talk about the kids, or they come home just to get in their flannel pj’s and watch TV until they fall asleep. No romance. No true connection. No intimacy.
9 Ways to Build Intimacy in Relationships
So, make a commitment to strengthen your relationship today. Commit to building intimacy. Make it your life’s work. Keep the romantic love alive and well. Here are 9 ways to get started today.
1) Work on communication. Communication is the number one issue couples complain about when they come to me for counseling. “He never talks to me.” “She won’t stop nagging me.” I’ve heard it all. The truth is communication is the most important thing we can work on, and we all need some work when it comes to communicating effectively. Most of us have no idea how to communicate what we need, how to ask for help, or how to just express things in ways our partner will actually hear. You can start by simply talking about your day. Tell your partner about your “highs” and “lows” of the day. Be vulnerable and share your fears. Be brave and share how much you missed them all day long. Just talk–about the big stuff, and the little. This builds the positive side of your relationship and protects you when the tougher times come. Then, learn how to argue fairly, kindly, with compassion. There are plenty of other ways to get the communication flowing again, and this post/video about the 5 Love Languages is a great place to start. Bottom line, however, is to first commit to improving your communication. Then, get to work and do it.
2) Strengthen your physical connection. Physical intimacy is about much more than just sex. It involves spending time together, hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and even a back rub after a long day. The more you expand your definition of physical connection, the stronger your physical connection will be. Watch a move and cuddle in front of a fire. Give each other a long, tight hug after you get home from work. Kiss each other hello and goodbye. Reach out and grab your partner’s hand when s/he least expects it. Show each other you just like to be together, that you are interested in each other physically and not just sexually. Then, make sure you make time for sex, too. It’s important to keeping your marriage strong. Especially for parents, protect your intimate time together. Plan it, if need be, after the kids are asleep or when you can take them to a sitter for the night. Go away for a weekend as often as you can. You need time to just be together as a couple. You need to remember the physical fire is still there and keep it burning.
My husband and I, playing, as we toured the Big Island of Hawaii!
3) Have fun together. Laugh. Be playful. Be silly together. Too many couples, especially those who have been married a long time, forget to have fun, but fun is important to life. In fact, research shows that adults who play are more creative and joyful. Play has also been shown to create deep bonds between strangers, promote healing, and yes, create more intimacy and connection in our personal relationships. Let loose together today. Go and play. (More on play, read this.)
4) Get to know each other better. No matter how long you’ve been together, there is always something more to know about one another. In fact, simple exercises like talking about your childhood, your dreams/goals, or your stresses/successes each day can improve intimacy by leaps and bounds. Make time to talk about your life. Have each partner write 20 questions to discuss, then cut them up and put them in a jar. Spend a night or two or ten choosing questions and getting to know each other. The more we know one another, the more we understand one another, and the greater our romantic bond.
5) Get involved in each other’s passions. You like to paint and he likes to go to sporting events? That’s ok. It’s good to have your own activities. However, it’s important to try and share some passions and activities, too. Try an artistic adventure together, or go with him to that basketball game. Develop hobbies you both enjoy, like hiking or traveling, or whatever it may be. Something obviously brought you together in the first place, so keep those similar passions thriving by actively planning to do them together.
6) Be a team. Every time you come together to solve a problem, you build your team. It may beworking out parenting issues with your kids, deciding how to handle aging parents, or venting about an issue you both “can’t believe!” These things bring you together. Working together also builds your team–whether it’s on a home project, at work, or in the community. Seek opportunities to work together, as a team. You need to be a team. You need to count on each other. It’s a huge part of romantic love and lasting relationships.
7) Support “free time” for one another. A strong partnership begins with two strong individuals. In order to keep you each strong and healthy, it’s important to have time to do what lights you up and inspires you. Support each other in solitude, hobbies, and individual passions. It will make for a happier partner and bring even better conversations, too!
8) Build your spiritual connection. I recently spoke with a friend whose husband was struggling with what he believes about God. She, on the other hand, feels strong in her faith. However, they talk aobut it. They attend church together. They pray together. It may just be discussing the meaning of life, or it may be regular prayer and church, but whatever it is, it’s important to develop your spiritual connection as a couple. Make it a part of your everyday plan for a stronger relationship.
9) Be social together. Going out with friends or being around other people as a couple allows you to see another side each another. For instance, my husband is “the fun guy” with our friends. He makes everyone laugh and keeps people entertained with his daring stunts and inventive ideas. I love this about him. It’s entrancing to see how he is around other people. I love that my friends love him, too. Being around friends, or in social situations, can bring out another side of your partner and remind you of some traits you might have forgotten. Go out. Be with people you enjoy. Have fun together. It will rekindle the spark and keep it burning for years to come.
Using The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy To Build Tension In Your Novel
Posted on November 8, 2011 by Jenny Hansen
The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy
1. Eye to body – this is the first “summing up” glance where one character notices the height, weight, dress code of another and registers an “overall impression.” A man will never approach a woman without this step and it’s important to get that first glimpse onto the page.
This step is why “the heroine studying herself in the mirror” is considered such a rookie writing mistake. We want to be in one character’s head when they see their fellow main character. Even if the glance is between two friends or business associates, this is the first step in building the emotional intimacy between them.
2. Eye to eye – the first step of active interaction between characters. There is a lot of tension to be found in eye contact and writers need to take a moment to get it on the page. Whether it’s a menacing stare or a long glance, you need to bring it to your reader. Remember, the point of viewcharacter needs to always be the person in the scene with the most to lose. When you bring up eye contact, make sure you’re in that vulnerable character’s head.
3. Voice to voice – once the two characters have met, they must speak. Who speaks first is important, as is what they say. What if one character touches the other before they speak? Whoa!Serious tension. It’s your story, so I’ll let you figure this out but think about how to get the most mileage from your scenes as you move through this chart.
4. Hand to hand (or arm) – “Mom, he’s touching me!” Don’t you remember how invasive you found the slightest look or touch from your siblings during a fight? My brother standing at the door of my room staring, or putting a fingertip over “the line” and touching me were a big deal when we were at war. It wasn’t about the touch, it was about crossing my boundary. Remember this when you write and be purposeful in your touching. Push boundaries when it helps your story.
5. Arm to shoulder – Ah…it’s the old yawn and drop the arm around the girl move. Why is this a Classic? It’s because this is serious intimacy. Up close and able to kiss or smell. This is a gateway move to more intimacy.
I HATE it when someone I don’t know well puts their arm around me. Why? Because it’s intimate and invasive. But if I know them or feel close to them, it’s loving and welcome. It’s all about boundaries. How wide are your character’s boundaries? Why? How quickly does your character relax those boundaries? Again, why? These are important questions for you to answer.
6. Arm to waist, or back – Oooh…the hand on the small of the back to guide a woman through the room. *sigh* It melts me every time my guy does this.
Why is this so romantic? Because a warm hand against the small of the back sends the message to the woman and the rest of the room that this man is allowed to touch her, right above her bottom. There is physical comfort between these two people and they are engaging in non-verbal behavior that’s nearly always sexual. Yummy.
7. Mouth to mouth – Have you ever wondered why a kiss is so intimate? You’ve skipped though half the intimacy chart with this one move. Depending on how the kiss progresses, several more intimacy levels may be skipped. WOOT!
Why do so many romance authors spend time and tension on the kiss, breaking it off or prolonging it? Because it works! Seriously, kissing creates tension in the pages of your novel, if you do it right, and keeps your readers fanning themselves and turning your pages to see when your characters are going to do it again.
8. Hand to head – Perhaps your first kiss back at Step 7 was a lip-lock, possibly including some stroking of the back. Sexy and intimate, but not a “skip-a-level” moment. What about when a man holds a woman’s face or vice-versa? What about when the yanking of hair ensues? It’s hot, hot, HOT because it’s extraordinarily intimate to touch a person’s head or face.
Use this in your books. The back of a fingertip along someone’s cheek and down their neck…is it good, as in hero and heroine? Or evil, as in villain, heroine? You are the creator of your world, be it loving or creepy.
9. Hand to body – As Terry says in her post, this step moves the couple into the beginnings of foreplay. This is a key place to break your couple apart, have deep emotional issues surface or just to collide your internal and external conflict. You haven’t reached the “point of no return” yet, so break the intimacy up a bit. Throw your characters up a tree and shoot at them…it’s a nice gift for your readers.
10. Mouth to breast – My baby sister is going to laugh when she reads this. I always told her, “No matter what, keep your shirt on until you’re really sure you want to sleep with a guy.”
A woman can still turn back at this point, as can a man, but there’s likely to be some stomped feelings on both sides if she does. That’s not why I told her to stay clothed. Most women excrete the bonding hormone oxytocin, the “love hormone,” when they have skin to skin contact. Why bond with some schmuck if it could have been avoided by just keeping your shirt on?
11. Hand to genitals – OK, we’re pretty much at the point of no return at this stage. If somebody changes their mind, labels like “tease” are likely to be assigned and major conflict will ensue. I love the idea of having the external conflict be the coitus interruptus. There’s some major mileage to be gained from messing with your characters in these final stages.
12. Genitals to genitals – He shoots, he scores! You’re at the sex act and your characters will commit violence if you interrupt now.
For general human touching behavior, see Haptic communication. For the sense of touch, see Somatosensory system.
Physical intimacy is sensual proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings (including close friendship, love, or sexual attraction), between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity.
It is possible to be physically intimate with someone without actually touching them; however, a certain proximity is necessary. For instance, a sustained eye contact is considered a form of physical intimacy, analogous to touching. When a person enters someone else's personal space for the purpose of being intimate, it is physical intimacy, regardless of the lack of actual physical contact.
Most people desire occasional physical intimacy, which is a natural part of human sexuality, and research has shown it has health benefits. A hug or touch can result in the release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, and in a reduction in stress hormones.
Contents
Personal space
Women sharing physical intimacy
Most people value their personal space and feel discomfort, anger, or anxiety when their personal space is encroached on.[3] Entering somebody's personal space is normally an indication of familiarity and intimacy. However, in modern society, especially in crowded urban communities, it is at times difficult to maintain personal space, for example, in a crowded train, elevator or street. Many people find such physical proximity to be psychologically disturbing and uncomfortable,[3] though it is accepted as a fact of modern life. In an impersonal crowded situation, eye contact tends to be avoided. Even in a crowded place, preserving personal space is important, and intimate and sexual contact, such as frotteurism and groping, are normally unacceptable physical contact.
On the other hand, most people occasionally desire physical proximity to others, and will at times welcome a familiar and trusted person into their personal space. When a partner or friend is not available at such a time, some people satisfy this need anonymously in a crowded venue, such as a bar, disco, pop concert, street festival, etc.
Display of affection
"The Proposal" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau.
People who are on a familiar basis may like to enter into each other's personal space, such as to make physical contact. These can be indicators of affection. The manner in which people display affection is generally different in a public context to a private one. Depending on the nature of the relationship between the people, a public display of affection is generally very constrained by social norms and can range from a gesture such as a kiss orhug in greeting, to an embrace or holding hands. Maintaining eye contact can be regarded socially and psychologically as analogous to touching.
In private, people in an intimate relationship or who are familiar with each other are more at ease with physical intimacy and display of affection, which can involve:
- Cuddling
- Caressing (e.g. Head, hands,arms, back and waist)
- Tickling (e.g.Back and waist)
- Massage (e.g. Neck, shoulders, back, thighs)
An interpersonal relationship that does not involve sexual activity, such as friendship, may involve display of affection. Friends may avoid physical intimacy to avoid emotions commonly associated with sexuality or emotional intimacy. The definition of "sexual" physical intimacy varies greatly.
Skinship
The term "skinship" (スキンシップ sukinshippu?) originated as a pseudo-English Japanese word (a wasei-eigo), which was coined to describe the intimacy, or closeness, between a mother and a child. Today, the word is generally used for bonding through physical contact, such as holding hands, hugging, or parents washing their child at a bath. The earliest citation of this word appears in Nihon Kokugo Daijiten in 1971.
According to Scott Clark, author of a study of Japanese bathing culture, the word is a portmanteau combining "skin" with the last syllable of "friendship". The similarity with the English word 'kinship' suggests a further explanation.
Use of the word "skinship" in English publications seems to focus on the notion of sharing a bath naked, an idea known in Japanese as "naked association" (裸の付き合い hadaka no tsukiai?). It is not clear why the meaning shifted to the parent–child relationship when borrowed back into English.
The term has also been adopted in South Korea as 스킨십 (seukinship). In South Korea, non-sexual physical contact between members of the same sex is normal, and is often encouraged. Seukinship largely refers to the act on bonding through intimate, non-sexual contact between platonic friends that includes, but is not limited to, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing on the cheeks, and, sometimes, even bathing together.
See also
Intimacy
Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness among partners in a relationship. It is usually characterized by love and attachment. These feelings may or may not be connected or confused with sexual feelings. In other relationships, intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions.
This is not an exact definition but it seems that intimacy and healthy relationships go hand in hand. Indeed, intimacy is basic in any meaningful relationship: the basis of friendship and one of the foundations of love.
The main forms of intimacy are emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Intellectual intimacy, familiarity with a person's culture and interests, is common among friends. Members of religious or philosophic groups may also perceive a "spiritual intimacy" in common.
Intimate partners:Terms for partners in various degrees of love include
Related pages
Types of interpersonal relationships
- Kinship relationships, including family relationships, being related to someone else by blood (consanguinity). For example, there is fatherhood or motherhood. Kinship relationships can also be made through marriage. For example, there are father-in-laws, mother-in-laws, uncles by marriage, or aunts by marriage.
- Formalized intimate relationships or long-term relationships through law and public ceremony, e.g. marriage and civil union.
- Non-formalized intimate relationships or long-term relationships such as loving relationships or romantic relationships with or without living together; the other person is often called lover, boyfriend or girlfriend (not to be confused with just a male or female friend). If the partners live together, the relationship may be similar to marriage, and the other person may be called husband or wife. Long term cohabiting relationships are often called common-law marriages, but in the vast majority of the world there is no such legal status. Mistress is the term for a female lover of a man who is married to another woman. She may even be an official mistress (in French maîtresse en titre); an example is Madame de Pompadour.
- Soulmates, individuals who are intimately drawn to one another through a favorable meeting of the minds and who find mutual acceptance and understanding with one another. Soulmates may feel themselves bonded together for a lifetime; and may be sexual partners but not necessarily.
- Casual relationships, relationships extending beyond one-night stands that exclusively consist of sexual behavior, the participants of which may be known as friends with benefits or sex buddies when limited to considering sexual intercourse or sexual partners in a wider sense.
- Platonic love is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily think something else.
- Friendship, which consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance, and usually means that there is common ground between the individuals involved; see also internet friendship and pen pal.
- Brotherhood and sisterhood, individuals united in a common cause or having a common interest, which may involve formal membership in a club, organization, association, society, lodge, fraternities and sororities. This type of interpersonal relationship also includes the comradeship of fellow soldiers in peace or war.
- Partners or coworkers in a profession, business, or a common workplace.
- Participation in a community, for example, a community of interest or practice.
- Association, simply being introduced to someone or knowing who they are by interaction.
How to reconnect, strengthen your relationship, improve communication, intimacy, and more.
All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes, even the best ones. To that end, we've compiled a list of 101 ways to reconnect with your significant other right this moment. These actions will make your partner feel loved, appreciated and desired and will, in turn, make you feel more connected to him/her. Whether you'd like to increase intimacy, find a thoughtful way to say "I love you," or just show your honey some gratitude, we're sure you'll find something useful in the list below.
And since the world (and our site!) is full of loving, creative souls, we hope you'll share with us in the comments section below the special ways you share love and strengthen your bond with your significant other. Read the whole list, or skip to your favorite category from the list below.
CREATE INTIMACY
1. Lie down on the bed ... and spend two minutes looking into each other's eyes without saying anything. (Blinking is OK.)
2. Next time you're in bed pull the covers over your head and have a whispered conversation. If you whisper first he'll probably whisper back—it's incredibly intimate.
3. Listen to each other. Think you already do that? Try active listening. Ask your partner to talk about something and after each sentence (or paragraph) repeat what you heard. Start with, "I heard..." You don't have to repeat back the words verbatim, just say what you think she said. If you misinterpret or leave out anything, your partner will correct you. Take turns doing this. It's great for intense discussions, arguments, or just a weekly ritual to improve communication.
4. Pray together. If you're comfortable talking about it, discuss what you pray about.
5. Do the wonder intimacy exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Free associate and list sentences starting with "I wonder" on a piece of paper. (I wonder if I'll ever learn to cook. I wonder if I'll ever cook for you. I wonder if I could love you more than I do.) Take turns reading your wonders to your partner, without judging, commenting or analyzing. This may feel silly at first, but just try it and see what happens.
6. Do the nostalgic memory exercise. (From The Marriage First Aid Kit.) Pick a shared memory from "the honeymoon period" of your relationship. Discuss the memory and take turns talking about a) sensory memories (sights, sounds, smells) b) what you were thinking and c) what you were feeling.
7. Set time aside every day for mutual silence.
8. Give each other pet names. Sure, you can call each other baby, boo, or schmoopy but coming up with a nickname only you two get is cute and provides a little laugh. Studies have shown that nicknames are a sign of a strong relationship. Others might not think "Bomboushay Yaya" is endearing but if it means something to you then that's all that matters.
SPEAK
9. Say something positive — anything at all. Researchers have found that happy couples have a ratio of five positive comments to each negative comment.
10. Think of one quirky thing she does that you love and tell her about it.
11. Ask him what he was like when he was a little kid.
12. Tell him he looks sexy in that shirt (pants, shorts, insert the appropriate item of clothing).
13. Compliment something that he's improved upon.
14. Tell him he makes you a better person. And then tell him how.
15. If you're feeling anxious about something, ask your partner to be your stress absorber. Ask him to listen as you explain what you're worrying about. The catch is that he doesn't have to say anything — no reassurances or offers of assistance. He just has to pay attention to what you're saying and offer you a hug or hold your hand. As you're talking, imagine your stress dissipating as the words leave your mouth.
16. The next time she does something that makes you angry ... before you say something about it stop and ask yourself, "What am I really mad about?" Little things can often be masks for deeper issues. If you decide it's a larger issue, hold your tongue and bring it up when you're not mad.
17. Accept her apology. If you've been fighting and she makes an attempt to reconcile, don't rebuff her.
18. If she holds a notable position in her field ... (or even if not) remind her of how awesome she is at her job and how it intensifies your amazement of her.
BE VULNERABLE
19. Apologize for something you never apologized for ... even though you knew it was your fault.
20. Tell her a sexual fantasy you've always felt embarrassed about.
21. If there's a secret you've been wanting to share with him ... write a list of five reasons you're afraid to say it, five ways you could phrase it, and five possible reactions he could have. Then pick one phrase and do it.
22. Think about something your partner does that makes you feel bad, but you haven't told him about. (If this doesn't exist for you, great! Skip this one.) Decide what you'd like him to do instead and tell him about it like this: Next time you're feeling relaxed and loving, say, "I want to tell you something. Sometimes I feel <insert feeling here> when you <whatever it is that makes you feel bad.> Could you do <what he could do instead> instead?"
23. Think about a time when something went wrong between the two of you: a fight, a disappointment, a miscommunication. Ask yourself: What could I have done differently? What could we have done differently? What can we learn from this? Then talk to your partner about it, starting with what you could have done differently.
EAT
24. Make a special treat. Even if you're on a diet, there's always room for a little snack once a week. Maybe it's a food from her childhood (like the s'mores her dad used to make when they went camping) or something that reminds him of your first date (spicy homemade guacamole? No problem!). A little treat that you've either made or just remembered to pick up will show you're thinking about the two of you.
25. Cook a meal together. Divide up the tasks so you can both be in the kitchen working at the same time.
26. Make breakfast for him. It's more unexpected than lunch or dinner.
27. Next time you're at the corner store...pick up his favorite candy or gum.
28. Pack her a lunch to take to work. Bonus: put it in a paper bag with a note. Double bonus: include a small piece of chocolate.
29. Think of a piece of food that he likes but is difficult to find and order it online.
30. Use a toothpick to write "I love you" on the outside of an unpeeled banana. It'll turn dark in a few hours and he'll be able to see it.
GET SEXY
31. The next time you hug him, reach around and squeeze his butt. It's the little things that keep it hot.
32. Browse an online sex toy store together and talk about what items you'd like to try.If you want, order one.
33. Bathe together periodically.
34. Put one of his fingers in your mouth and lightly suck on it. It's chaste and incredibly sexual at the same time.
35. Write erotic fiction for each other. Pick something you've done together and recreate it in words, or pick a steamy fantasy and write down exactly how you want it to happen—even if in reality, it's impossible.
36. Dedicate one day exclusively to sex. Turn off your phones, don't check your email and stay in bed all day. Rent a hotel room for a day if this will help you get away from life and only think about each other's bodies.
37. Take turns being dominant in bed. Tell him or her that you want to experiment. Tonight you call all the shots, tomorrow he does. Try a blindfold, tying his or her hands with a tie or scarf, or spanking.
38. Masturbate together without touching each other.
USE FAMILY AND FRIENDS
39. Next time a member of her family calls and you answer the phone, stay on the line a chat a minute before handing off the phone. She'll be touched that you want to speak to her relatives.
40. Invite his best friend to dinner and stay for a drink ... then cut out to give the two some time together.
41. Take out his yearbook. Ask about the people in it and what they meant to him.
42. Borrow a friend's dog and take it for a walk together. Dogs bring out people's good sides.
43. Read a book to your child together, switching off pages.
44. Bring him a glass of wine (or water) when he's helping your child with her homework.
45. When you hear the baby crying in the middle of the night, be the first one to get up.
46. Write her mom a note, and praise her on how well she raised her daughter.
DAILY LIFE
47. Do her chores. Take out the garbage or do the dishes, even if it's not your turn or your job.
48. Cover him with a blanket. If you're up in the middle of the night or have to leave early in the morning and you see your partner has tossed the comforter off, take a minute and tuck him in.
49. Set out her coffee cup next to the coffee pot with milk and sugar in the morning ... so all she has to do is pour and get out the door.
50. Next time you wake up before him... turn off the alarm clock and rouse him by kissing his forehead.
51. Repair something of hers that she hasn't gotten around to fixing: an old watch battery or a broken bracelet clasp.
52. Pick up her dry cleaning.
53. Next time you know she hasn't gotten enough sleep and she's going to work tired, tell her she looks great. (Whatever you do, don't tell her she looks tired.)
54. When she tells you something about her schedule, put it on your calendar so you can remember to ask about it: a big meeting at work, a doctor's appointment, a lunch with an old friend.
SURPRISES
55. Leave an open bottle of wine and an empty glass in the kitchen for your spouse after a long, hard day. Hopefully you'll be able to join for a glass, but even if you're working late or taking the kids to soccer practice, it's a sign of how much you appreciate him/her.
56. Keep gifts for him hidden in the house so you'll have a surprise for him if he's had a bad day.
57. Get him a subscription to a magazine he likes.
58. Buy a pack of his brand of clean underwear. Next time he needs to do laundry but doesn't have time, give it to him.
59. Pre-order a book from Amazon from an author you know she loves so it'll arrive right after it's published.
60. Just once, upgrade to a small luxury item you know she likes but doesn't usually indulge in: super soft toilet paper, organic arugula, a fancy bottle of wine.
61. Start planning her next gift right now. Figure out the date of the next big holiday — a birthday, anniversary or religious celebration — and think about what she might want. Pay attention to things she says she wants and write them down. Thinking about giving will extend the joy we get from being generous.
62. Scrawl a heart and your initials in the steam on the bathroom mirror. He'll see it if he comes in right away, or next time the mirror fogs up.
63. Write love notes and put them places you know you're partner will find them: in his coat pocket, in her jewelry box, in the silverware drawer, on the laptop keyboard.
64. Send flowers to her office. It doesn't have to be a fancy bouquet, anything fresh-cut will look pretty on her desk and remind her of you.
USE TECHNOLOGY
65. Ask him to send a baby picture of himself or another picture without you in it and make it your computer wallpaper. ("That shot of you and your Grandpa Rex after you caught that big salmon? Superhot.")
66. Change the background of her phone to a picture of the two of you.
67. Make a playlist of all the songs that remind you of your relationship and put it on his iPod or iPhone.
68. Copy and paste the lyrics from a love song into an email and send it to her.
69. Send him a link to a song on YouTube that makes you think of him.
70. Think about something you've both wanted to do together ... (travel to Costa Rica, learn French, build a fence, etc.) and find a TV show you can tape or a website that shows you how to do it. Plan a date night around watching it together.
71. Email her an old photo of the two of you on vacation or your wedding day.
72. Set the DVR to record a show she's been talking about but hasn't yet recorded. Or look for a show you know she'll like and tape it for her.
73. Clean his computer keyboard and monitor.
74. In the middle of the day, send a text message that says "Thinking of you."
75. Start a couples blog.
TOUCH
76. Use your body (hands, eyes, mouth, arms, legs etc.) to show him you're paying attention and listening when he talks to you.
77. Wrap your arms around his middle and squeeze as hard as you can. (If you're stronger than him give him a little warning.)
78. Massage a part of her body that you wouldn't usually pay attention to: her forearm, her calf, her butt. (OK, maybe you do pay attention to that part, but you probably don't massage it.)
79. Make a touching date. One night after dinner (or a weekend afternoon — some time when you're relaxed), go to bed and take off your clothes, but leave on your underwear. Make a list of ways to touch (tickle, scratch, massage with fingertips, massage with whole hand, kiss with lips, kiss with eyelashes, squeeze). Then take turns: one person chooses a body part, one person chooses an action, and you switch off touching each other. The key is to avoid having sex or touching the skin beneath the underwear. Is a list too much for you? Skip it and take turns massaging each other; just make sure to avoid having sex!
80. Sneak up behind him for a quick shoulder massage.
81. Stage an impromptu wrestling match.
SWITCH IT UP
82. Pretend to be strangers and pick each other up at a bar.
83. Next time you're out to dinner, offer to treat, as opposed to splitting it or paying from your joint account.
84. Change your alcohol habits for one night. Do you usually drink a lot together? Try abstaining for one night, and see what happens? Don't drink much? Try splitting a bottle of wine between just the two of you and see where it leads.
85. Clean the house together. Naked.
86. Set up a bank account where each of you puts $50 a month to go towards something that can be mutually enjoyed.
87. Instead of watching TV, read a story out loud to each other.
88. Have a "no-technology" day or hour or evening.
89. When he's tired from a long day of work, offer to watch a movie he loves but one that you wouldn't normally watch with him.
90. Don't react when he says something annoying.
91. Reverse your spooning (or other snuggling position) for a night.
92. Next time you're going somewhere in the neighborhood together, walk instead of driving. The stroll will give you time to chat.
PLAY
93. Put on music you both like and dance in your living room.
94. Play a card game. Gin rummy is a great one for two people.
95. Take some grapes (or raisins or chocolate chips) and try to throw them in each other's mouths. It's silly and a little messy but will make you giggle together.
96. Teach him a card game he's never played.
97. Talk in an accent together all night.
98. Play movie-oke.
99. Exercise together. Play tennis, go hiking, go for a jog.
100. Go sledding. Or skinny-dipping.
101. Make up a game and play it together with your kids.
Couples & Romantic Love: 9 Ways to Build Intimacy in Relationships
February 12, 2014 by Dr. Christina Hibbert 1 Comment
Romantic love: We have to work at it. It doesn’t just happen on its own. Well, it does at first. But if we sit by and do nothing, over time, the fire will die. Sad, but true.
Many people think romantic love is all about fireworks and passion and excitement. While these are wonderful, the true key to romantic love is intimacy. Some definitions of intimacy include: “a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship;” “a close association with or deep understanding of;” “closeness.” Intimacy isn’t just physical connection. It’s about truly knowing and understanding someone; it’s about feeling close.
Couples & Romantic Love: Intimacy is the answer
Intimacy is something all couples need to build, if you want a relationship that lasts. You may be still in the flames of hot romance, in which case your relationship is almost certainly new. If so, you need to continue to get to know each other; you need to build intimacy. Or, your relationship might feel like it’s flaming out after a long haul–say, after fifteen years of marriage. In this case, it’s building intimacy that will get the physical fires going again. Even if you’re on the brink of a relationship meltdown, intimacy is the answer. You need to work on this relationship, to give it your all. That requires a commitment to building intimacy; it’s the only way to prevent a crash and burn.
I’ve been married now for 18 1/2 years, and I know how romantic love can fluctuate between hot and cold. I know that sometimes things feel simple and easy, while other times, it feels like the romance is gone completely. But I also know, in most cases, with work and dedication, the romance never has to fade. I’ve been working on my next book, about self-esteem after a breakup, and let me tell you—the grass is almost never greener. It isn’t easier to let the flames die completely, to “fall out of love,” to do nothing and let your relationship end. It’s much better to work hard now, to value and keep what you already have, to rediscover the love you once knew, and to improve the relationship you’re so fortunate to already have.
Work on your Relationship; Build Intimacy
Whatever your relationship situation, it’s important to work on things–always. Think of it like a job or a talent. If you don’t practice and give it time and effort, it’s not going to get better. You must commit to making your relationship stronger, and if you do, you will feel the benefits.
I’m talking about more than just a regular date-night. Though that can certainly help, I’ve seen plenty of couples who go out to dinner and a movie every Friday but never talk, or they only talk about the kids, or they come home just to get in their flannel pj’s and watch TV until they fall asleep. No romance. No true connection. No intimacy.
9 Ways to Build Intimacy in Relationships
So, make a commitment to strengthen your relationship today. Commit to building intimacy. Make it your life’s work. Keep the romantic love alive and well. Here are 9 ways to get started today.
1) Work on communication. Communication is the number one issue couples complain about when they come to me for counseling. “He never talks to me.” “She won’t stop nagging me.” I’ve heard it all. The truth is communication is the most important thing we can work on, and we all need some work when it comes to communicating effectively. Most of us have no idea how to communicate what we need, how to ask for help, or how to just express things in ways our partner will actually hear. You can start by simply talking about your day. Tell your partner about your “highs” and “lows” of the day. Be vulnerable and share your fears. Be brave and share how much you missed them all day long. Just talk–about the big stuff, and the little. This builds the positive side of your relationship and protects you when the tougher times come. Then, learn how to argue fairly, kindly, with compassion. There are plenty of other ways to get the communication flowing again, and this post/video about the 5 Love Languages is a great place to start. Bottom line, however, is to first commit to improving your communication. Then, get to work and do it.
2) Strengthen your physical connection. Physical intimacy is about much more than just sex. It involves spending time together, hugging, cuddling, holding hands, and even a back rub after a long day. The more you expand your definition of physical connection, the stronger your physical connection will be. Watch a move and cuddle in front of a fire. Give each other a long, tight hug after you get home from work. Kiss each other hello and goodbye. Reach out and grab your partner’s hand when s/he least expects it. Show each other you just like to be together, that you are interested in each other physically and not just sexually. Then, make sure you make time for sex, too. It’s important to keeping your marriage strong. Especially for parents, protect your intimate time together. Plan it, if need be, after the kids are asleep or when you can take them to a sitter for the night. Go away for a weekend as often as you can. You need time to just be together as a couple. You need to remember the physical fire is still there and keep it burning.
My husband and I, playing, as we toured the Big Island of Hawaii!
3) Have fun together. Laugh. Be playful. Be silly together. Too many couples, especially those who have been married a long time, forget to have fun, but fun is important to life. In fact, research shows that adults who play are more creative and joyful. Play has also been shown to create deep bonds between strangers, promote healing, and yes, create more intimacy and connection in our personal relationships. Let loose together today. Go and play. (More on play, read this.)
4) Get to know each other better. No matter how long you’ve been together, there is always something more to know about one another. In fact, simple exercises like talking about your childhood, your dreams/goals, or your stresses/successes each day can improve intimacy by leaps and bounds. Make time to talk about your life. Have each partner write 20 questions to discuss, then cut them up and put them in a jar. Spend a night or two or ten choosing questions and getting to know each other. The more we know one another, the more we understand one another, and the greater our romantic bond.
5) Get involved in each other’s passions. You like to paint and he likes to go to sporting events? That’s ok. It’s good to have your own activities. However, it’s important to try and share some passions and activities, too. Try an artistic adventure together, or go with him to that basketball game. Develop hobbies you both enjoy, like hiking or traveling, or whatever it may be. Something obviously brought you together in the first place, so keep those similar passions thriving by actively planning to do them together.
6) Be a team. Every time you come together to solve a problem, you build your team. It may beworking out parenting issues with your kids, deciding how to handle aging parents, or venting about an issue you both “can’t believe!” These things bring you together. Working together also builds your team–whether it’s on a home project, at work, or in the community. Seek opportunities to work together, as a team. You need to be a team. You need to count on each other. It’s a huge part of romantic love and lasting relationships.
7) Support “free time” for one another. A strong partnership begins with two strong individuals. In order to keep you each strong and healthy, it’s important to have time to do what lights you up and inspires you. Support each other in solitude, hobbies, and individual passions. It will make for a happier partner and bring even better conversations, too!
8) Build your spiritual connection. I recently spoke with a friend whose husband was struggling with what he believes about God. She, on the other hand, feels strong in her faith. However, they talk aobut it. They attend church together. They pray together. It may just be discussing the meaning of life, or it may be regular prayer and church, but whatever it is, it’s important to develop your spiritual connection as a couple. Make it a part of your everyday plan for a stronger relationship.
9) Be social together. Going out with friends or being around other people as a couple allows you to see another side each another. For instance, my husband is “the fun guy” with our friends. He makes everyone laugh and keeps people entertained with his daring stunts and inventive ideas. I love this about him. It’s entrancing to see how he is around other people. I love that my friends love him, too. Being around friends, or in social situations, can bring out another side of your partner and remind you of some traits you might have forgotten. Go out. Be with people you enjoy. Have fun together. It will rekindle the spark and keep it burning for years to come.
Using The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy To Build Tension In Your Novel
Posted on November 8, 2011 by Jenny Hansen
The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy
1. Eye to body – this is the first “summing up” glance where one character notices the height, weight, dress code of another and registers an “overall impression.” A man will never approach a woman without this step and it’s important to get that first glimpse onto the page.
This step is why “the heroine studying herself in the mirror” is considered such a rookie writing mistake. We want to be in one character’s head when they see their fellow main character. Even if the glance is between two friends or business associates, this is the first step in building the emotional intimacy between them.
2. Eye to eye – the first step of active interaction between characters. There is a lot of tension to be found in eye contact and writers need to take a moment to get it on the page. Whether it’s a menacing stare or a long glance, you need to bring it to your reader. Remember, the point of viewcharacter needs to always be the person in the scene with the most to lose. When you bring up eye contact, make sure you’re in that vulnerable character’s head.
3. Voice to voice – once the two characters have met, they must speak. Who speaks first is important, as is what they say. What if one character touches the other before they speak? Whoa!Serious tension. It’s your story, so I’ll let you figure this out but think about how to get the most mileage from your scenes as you move through this chart.
4. Hand to hand (or arm) – “Mom, he’s touching me!” Don’t you remember how invasive you found the slightest look or touch from your siblings during a fight? My brother standing at the door of my room staring, or putting a fingertip over “the line” and touching me were a big deal when we were at war. It wasn’t about the touch, it was about crossing my boundary. Remember this when you write and be purposeful in your touching. Push boundaries when it helps your story.
5. Arm to shoulder – Ah…it’s the old yawn and drop the arm around the girl move. Why is this a Classic? It’s because this is serious intimacy. Up close and able to kiss or smell. This is a gateway move to more intimacy.
I HATE it when someone I don’t know well puts their arm around me. Why? Because it’s intimate and invasive. But if I know them or feel close to them, it’s loving and welcome. It’s all about boundaries. How wide are your character’s boundaries? Why? How quickly does your character relax those boundaries? Again, why? These are important questions for you to answer.
6. Arm to waist, or back – Oooh…the hand on the small of the back to guide a woman through the room. *sigh* It melts me every time my guy does this.
Why is this so romantic? Because a warm hand against the small of the back sends the message to the woman and the rest of the room that this man is allowed to touch her, right above her bottom. There is physical comfort between these two people and they are engaging in non-verbal behavior that’s nearly always sexual. Yummy.
7. Mouth to mouth – Have you ever wondered why a kiss is so intimate? You’ve skipped though half the intimacy chart with this one move. Depending on how the kiss progresses, several more intimacy levels may be skipped. WOOT!
Why do so many romance authors spend time and tension on the kiss, breaking it off or prolonging it? Because it works! Seriously, kissing creates tension in the pages of your novel, if you do it right, and keeps your readers fanning themselves and turning your pages to see when your characters are going to do it again.
8. Hand to head – Perhaps your first kiss back at Step 7 was a lip-lock, possibly including some stroking of the back. Sexy and intimate, but not a “skip-a-level” moment. What about when a man holds a woman’s face or vice-versa? What about when the yanking of hair ensues? It’s hot, hot, HOT because it’s extraordinarily intimate to touch a person’s head or face.
Use this in your books. The back of a fingertip along someone’s cheek and down their neck…is it good, as in hero and heroine? Or evil, as in villain, heroine? You are the creator of your world, be it loving or creepy.
9. Hand to body – As Terry says in her post, this step moves the couple into the beginnings of foreplay. This is a key place to break your couple apart, have deep emotional issues surface or just to collide your internal and external conflict. You haven’t reached the “point of no return” yet, so break the intimacy up a bit. Throw your characters up a tree and shoot at them…it’s a nice gift for your readers.
10. Mouth to breast – My baby sister is going to laugh when she reads this. I always told her, “No matter what, keep your shirt on until you’re really sure you want to sleep with a guy.”
A woman can still turn back at this point, as can a man, but there’s likely to be some stomped feelings on both sides if she does. That’s not why I told her to stay clothed. Most women excrete the bonding hormone oxytocin, the “love hormone,” when they have skin to skin contact. Why bond with some schmuck if it could have been avoided by just keeping your shirt on?
11. Hand to genitals – OK, we’re pretty much at the point of no return at this stage. If somebody changes their mind, labels like “tease” are likely to be assigned and major conflict will ensue. I love the idea of having the external conflict be the coitus interruptus. There’s some major mileage to be gained from messing with your characters in these final stages.
12. Genitals to genitals – He shoots, he scores! You’re at the sex act and your characters will commit violence if you interrupt now.
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